Identity Crisis.

I have a 4-year degree in Interior Design from a University with an accredited and top ranked Interior Design Program.  This is the extent of my daughter's 2-year birthday party decorations:

A plastic chip and dip tray taped to the wall.  Really?

Who am I again?

I used to think I was a very artistic, creative, industrious person.  

Ok. Let me rephrase that.  I used to place all my identity in the fact that I am those things.  

I should be more honest.  

By 'identity', I mean worth.  I have realized that I think that all of my worth is tied to my ability to succeed in various creative and academic endeavors.  

Now I suppose I am still all of those things, but it feels like its all slipping away from me like the bags of dirty cloth diapers I set on the porch every week for the diaper service guy to pick up (which, by the way, is actually a wonderful moment for me every Friday).  

Being a stay-at-home-mom, I do not get the privilege of exercising this identity that I speak of.  It freaks me out.  All experienced moms say 'don't worry, it will all get better someday.'  But I still ask what about NOW?  How am I supposed to be okay with the fact that I can rarely ever flex my creative muscles--and when/if I do, it is a severely curtailed escapade.  

"How can God let this happen!?!"  I find myself asking all the time, angrily.

I have given God much thanks for giving me the skills and desire to be creative.  Art has brought me through some really heavy stuff in my life since I was a little kid and drawn me closer to the heart of God.  I am so grateful to have a mind for beauty despite, or perhaps because of, pain.  

However, now I have pain, and no ability to work it out the way I always used to--behind a paint brush or sewing machine. 

God:

Maybe I have limited your ability to be creative during this time so that you will stop being prideful and attempting to be your own God.  I am your God.  You are my child.  Your identity is that I love you to death.  End of story.  Everything else is a gift. If that's humbling, good.  I only want you, not all the stuff you've made or the impressive and by-gone G.P.A.  

Time to find out who you really are underneath all those layers of capabilities. 

Hmmm.

Ok.

But I'm still not super happy.  Thank you God for teaching me.  Thank you that I don't have to feel happy before I can know that you are good.  Please help me find satisfaction and happiness during this time.  I'm not sure where to look for it...

I am satisfied with this little girl, especially when she is obedient.    I am also satisfied with the abstracted birch trees I was able to paint on the wall of the living room too--you can sort of see those behind the static head.

Also, this made me laugh and cry:

"I feel as useless as a mom's college degree." Kenneth, the Page. (30 Rock, 'The Problem Solvers' episode)